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Signs an Aspie Loves You (And How to Love Them Back)
Relationship Advice

Signs an Aspie Loves You (And How to Love Them Back)

Dating someone with Asperger's Syndrome and unsure if they love you or not? Here are the tell-tale signs that an Aspie loves you, and how to love them back.

Together Team
February 18, 2022

This post was medically reviewed by Daniel Dashnaw, M.A., M.S., MFT.

A universal truth about dating is the need for honesty, or explicitness.

But this is something you don’t need to worry about when dating someone with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), nicknamed Aspies. It can come as a mild surprise when you find out the person you’re dating has AS, because they’re as close to a neurotypical individual — or someone that doesn't have a developmental disorder — as one can be. 

Asperger’s Syndrome falls on the high end of the Autism Spectrum. These individuals are high functioning with only mild traits of Autism, including but not limited to struggling with social communication, strictness of rituals and routines, and obsessive/compulsive interests. 

They may appear awkward in social situations, and are unable to decipher social and emotional cues. Their confusion in decoding emotions, gestures, and facial expressions result in their inability to communicate appropriately. 

Aspies may ask obvious questions, which will come across as irritating to others, but it’s just their way of understanding social and emotional situations. They may ask “Are you sad?” even if you’re openly crying. Sometimes, we all need clarifications, and it’s okay to provide others with answers. 

When talking to Aspies about love and relationships, it’s not always smooth sailing. However, that can be said about any relationship where there’s intimacy involved such as with siblings, parents, children, or partners. But with Aspies specifically, you might get confused.

Do they love me? Do they not love me?

Here are a few signs you can look out for to know if your Aspie partner loves you. 

Key Signs an Aspie Loves You

1. They let you touch them 

Individuals diagnosed with any form of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) dislike people touching them. They shy away from intimacy as it makes them uncomfortable, hence you and your Aspie partner need to figure out what works best for both of you. This requires an open and honest conversation.

An Aspie will acknowledge the importance of intimacy in a relationship, but will require time to ease into it. 

The difference is that your partner will let you touch them. This is a milestone for them as they keep everyone at a distance throughout their lives, but once they love someone, they will allow intimacy to grow. Not only will they touch you, but will also accept touches from you as opposed to accepting from others. This is one of the major signs that an Aspie loves you. 

More importantly, if you want physical contact in your relationships, make sure to convey this to your partner with Asperger’s. They prefer it when things are explicitly mentioned to them as they’re unable to pick on subtle cues. This open communication will make life easier for the both of you.

2. They want you around

An individual with Asperger's might not be able to express their emotions clearly and openly, but they will want to be in your presence most of the time. They may not talk to you, or you both will do something of their interest, but they will want you around them physically. You can observe the difference in their need to be in your presence as opposed to their lack of need to be in the presence of others. 

Usually, individuals with Asperger’s are okay to be in the presence of others but require some alone time to decompress. This is the time you can also use for your own personal time. Another reason they want you around is so they become comfortable in your presence. Getting comfortable will lead to other acts of intimacy such as being physical. 

3. They put effort in

Aspies will show that they love you in their own unique way. Once you know and understand their language, it’ll be easy to interpret the effort they put in your relationship with them. Some are able to easily express it through words, but some will show you through their actions. It’s important to focus on what they do for you compared to what they do for others. 

If they tell you they love you, it’s possible they won’t say it again for some time. These emotional gestures are typically rare, but they do happen occasionally. Take this as a sign that an Aspie loves you and don’t question it. 

4. They include you

Just like any other person, Aspies have their own hobbies and interests. What matters is whether they include you in those hobbies or not. We’ve already established above that they want to be in your presence, and that presence can be when they're doing their favorite activities as well. For example, if their interest is photography, they might take you to their shoots or involve you in editing process, and so on. 

Most Aspies are unable to pick up on the needs of others. They don’t understand that other people have different needs. Hence, they’ll include you in their own activities rather than asking what you want to do. This is when you can also introduce them to your own interests as they definitely are willing to get to know you more. 

Still Unsure? Ask them!

The easiest way to find out if someone loves you is to ask them. An Aspie may not have an answer as to why they love you, but they will answer honestly. People with Asperger's aren’t prone to lying, and have difficulty doing it.

No matter how they answer, remember that their comments in any conversation are usually unfiltered, but they don't intend to intentionally hurt anyone. They understand facts and figures better than emotions, making it their comfort zone. 

If they reply "yes" when you ask if they love you, then take the answer at face value and refrain from probing. It’s likely you won’t like their inability to answer the "why" part.

Moreover, nothing gets lost in translation when asked a blunt question which requires a straightforward answer. Take the initiative and come out of the gray area! 

How to Love an Aspie

Now that you know whether or not your Aspie partner loves you, here are some tips on how to love them back and help them better understand how you feel.

1. Focus on receiving their love

The key to receiving love from an Aspie is not to focus on how you receive the love, but how they give it. Remember that it’s difficult for them to express emotions and intimacy.

2. Appreciate their effort

The fact that they’re able to have a physical relationship with you is a gigantic leap for them, and it’s worth appreciating. Once you’ve noticed the signs of how an Aspie loves you, you can move on to the next step. 

3. Communicate as openly as possible

You might not have experienced this kind of love before, but that's okay. Most of the time an Aspie will ask you how you want to be loved. This isn’t the time to test any relationship. It's time to be honest and open about what you want so it can be delivered as much as an Aspie can deliver.

It can vary from words, to letters, to romantic gestures, or flowers or anything which works for you, and they’ll try their best.

4. Be patient and understanding

It’s possible that their love may come off as scripted or different, but be patient and understanding. They’re trying to please you in the way you want to be pleased, hence it’s worth being patient when receiving.

At the end of the day, you may find that they'll prove to be the most loyal partner anyone can ask for.

Keep an Open Mind

As no two individuals are alike, no two Aspies are the same. However, there are always some similarities in the way they behave.

Every Aspie acts differently in relationships. Some will express emotions through words and some through actions. Some will be open to intimacy immediately but others will require time to become used to regular touch, so you just need to be well versed in knowing the signs that an Aspie loves you. 

You need to be aware of what your needs are and communicate it to them, and your partner will work on fulfilling them. The most important thing for you to remember is that they’re trying, and like any other relationship, both partners have to meet halfway.

Together Team

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